Catching Up

So many things have been going on during my blogging hiatus. I wish I could say that my reason for abandoning my blog for the last few months was entirely due to the fact that the girls have kept me insanely busy. I guess you could say that statement is partly true. The girls and I led very full lives this summer. We were constantly off finding new adventures. But mostly, I took a break from blogging because I really just didn't want to share some of the sour details of my life and, without sharing those details, there was no way for me to blog honestly.
I've always tried to be open and honest with my feelings on here. When I started this blog it was to find an outlet for my fears, frustrations, and thoughts. I needed to be able to open up my heart and pour out it's contents in a healthy way. Up until the day that I started this blog, I was the "bottling type." I kept all my feelings bottled up until I just felt like screaming. Blogging was a way to help me let it all out without hurting someone! :) Once I opened up, I realized how good it really felt to not let all the junk build up. I never imagined the friendships I would find when I entered the blogging world. I have been blessed with some really awesome friends in this community. It is for that reason that I took a break from my blog. So many things have happened in McNabb Land that I needed to sort through on my own before posting anything on here. I didn't feel right about pretending that everything was going great for us here when in actuality, things aren't that great. I just wasn't ready to talk about it. Maybe I am now. We'll find out.

One of the last things I blogged before my break was the situation with my parents. When my dad left my mom I had a really difficult time dealing with the fall out. My girls were hurting and couldn't understand what was going on. But honestly, I was hurt. When my dad left so suddenly he pretty much cut all ties with all of us. It broke my heart to know that he could just disappear so easily from my life. It is an ache that will never completely heal....even though they were able to work it out 3 months later when he moved back home. I'm still working on forgiveness.

Shortly after my parents marriage fell apart, my own marriage started to crumble as well. Things just sort of fell apart. Bobby is a good man and an excellent father, but he is not the same man that I traded vows with 10 years ago. I started to reach a point where I was spending more time crying than rejoicing. We were fighting and calling each other names that weren't appropriate for little ears to hear. He'd become very controlling and hateful. I just couldn't live like that. Didn't want my girls to live like that either. We decided to take a break from the fighting and from each other. I just want to be happy again. Where do we stand now? I'm not sure. Do we try to work it out? Can a crumbling marriage really be saved? I like to think so. I do know that kids can't save a marriage. Staying together for the sake of our children is not something I would ever consider. My most vivid memories of my own childhood include constantly hearing my parents utter, "if we didn't have kids, I'd be gone" or "just as soon as the kids turn 18 I'm leaving" or "I'm only here because of the kids" and I swore to myself that I would never put my children through that. If my marriage survives it will be because I love my husband and want to be with him, not because I love my kids and want them to have a two parent family. At this point, divorce is not an option. We've weathered bigger storms and I think we can weather this storm as well. WE just have to both be willing to work at it. I'm not ready to give up yet. Don't know that I will ever be willing to give up.

Enough talk about my marital drama! We did have some fun this summer and I can't wait to post some new pictures. My girls are getting so big!