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Feels like it's been forever since my last real post. I've tried to post on here so many times in the last little while, but I just end up with a blank screen and a feeling of failure. I've just felt so dark and depressed. There's alot of "junk" going on around here, but I'll spare you most of the details. None of it matters anyway.
There have been days when I had to force myself to get out of bed. There have been days when I couldn't even make myself get out of bed and so I laid there all day looking at the ceiling or the wall. I just have this "blah" feeling. This feeling that I need to cry instead of smile. Call it a pity party, or depression, or whatever....it just stinks. I'm working at fixing that.
I went to the salon and had my hair done. Got a short cut with layers. Now I can't even get a ponytail out of what's left:) Great way to force me to fix it in the mornings. I got highlights too. Nothing really drastic, just different from the same old drabby/frumpy me that I'm used to seeing when I look in the mirror.
Delaney got a new puppy. This makes four that we have now (in case you lost count!) Our house is chock full of chihuahuas now. (I love that phrase-but can't take credit for it. Thank you, SkippyJon Jones) She calls her little pup Co-co, or Cocoa. Wait til she learns to spell and then I'll ask her which is the correct way. Until then, it's just Co-co pup. Reminds me of the cereal, Cocoa puffs. Great, now I'm hungry. For some reason, all of our four-legged, furry babies end up with food names. Sugar, honey, tater, cocoa....sounds like a weird recipe to me. Or maybe it's just suitable for the residents of McNabb Land.
Still haven't come up with any idea of what to review for CSN. I've noticed that alot of the blogs I read are doing reviews for them as well. I've been watching to see what they select, hoping to get ideas. No luck yet. The girls are having trouble agreeing on one item. They all want something different. I guess that means that I'll have to pick something that everyone can enjoy.
Paisley had a field trip to Chattanooga yesterday. We went to the Creative Discovery Museum. I always chaperone their trips. She had fun, and I got to watch 6 girls and 4 boys (the group we were in charge of) run around like little crazy people. It's a shame that I was the only parent that signed up to chaperone her class. A smaller group to be in charge of would have made it easier to spend time with Paisley. I dragged (drug?!) my sister along with me. Come to think of it, she goes on all of their field trips too (I love you sissy-poo!)
If you think of it, and feel led to do so, could you please say a little prayer for my dad? He's going thru a hard time right now. I'm worried about him, my mom, my brother. Just worried about everything, I guess. Your prayers would be appreciated:)
Hugs to you all. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately. I do still read everything, I just feel so "blah" that I can't really think of anything good to say to anyone. I do still think of all of my blogging friends often though, and am so glad to have you all in my life. 
I'm so excited! Jess from CSN contacted me and asked me to do a review. I've been looking for days, trying to pick the item that I want to review, but I just can't decide. CSN has 200+ stores to shop in and they sell everything from corner TV stands to toys. What's a girl to choose? I've looked at indoor toys, outdoor activities, dishes, furniture, gardening tools, and so much more. I just can't decide. I think I've finally decided to let the girls pick something. Stay tuned to see what they pick for me to review.....
After yesterday's lockdown I was a little scared to send the kids back to school today, but I sent them. The day was uneventful and they are safely home again. As far as what happened yesterday to cause the lockdown? This is what I know.
Our primary school is a very short distance from our courthouse. As in, walking distance. Spitting distance, almost. We had a trial scheduled at the courthouse. The defendant, on trial for what I would call a serious crime, decided to make some threats. He allegedly said that if he was convicted at his trial he had men in place....ready and waiting to open fire on "that little brick school down the block." This little speech/threat was, of course, relayed to the proper authorities and taken very seriously. I got a phone call at a little after 9 in the morning. My friend at the school was telling me that the school was in lockdown, but everyone was ok. I had Delaney at therapy so as soon as I could leave the therapy center with her, I started the drive back to Madisonville and went straight to the school. I was scared out of my mind by what I saw going on in the area surrounding the school. I've never seen so many state troopers, squad cars, and unmarked detective cars. It looked like something out of one of those made-for-TV movies. I was turned away before I could reach the parking lot. A nice officer informed me that I would need to turn around and head back home. Lockdown protocol wouldn't let me inside the school. I knew they wouldn't let me in before I even made the drive out there. I guess I thought I would feel better if I could see that they were protecting the school. They had police cars on all sides of the school, across the street, and all up and down the side streets. It was scary. The school stayed locked down all day and the children were blissfully unaware of what was going on. The officers inside the building were stationed at the exits and out of sight of the students. They were in the classrooms all day and sitting on the floor watching movies. They only time they left the room was to travel to the nearest restroom. Lunches were bagged and sent to the classrooms. All of the windows were covered with colorful paper so that no one could see out and no one could see in. They took every precaution possible to keep the kids out of harm's way. My friend called me several times to give me updates about what was going on. They weren't reporting anything about it on the news so I was glad to get the updates from her. Apparently, they only report school lockdowns if a violent act has already taken place there. Something about not wanting to scare the public. News travels fast in a small town anyway, so believe me, I was not the only panic-filled parent that took a trip to the school. About mid-day they received a report of a disturbance at the courthouse. Some men were arrested and a few more just seemed to disappear into thin air. Security was tightened at the primary school and the other schools were locked down too. It was at that time that I requested prayer for the students at the school. I was told that the police were sending men up to the roof of the school for surveillance. They really made it seem like the threat of danger was very real at that point. I think that is what made them decide to postpone the trial. It was abruptly ended (moved to a different day a few weeks from now) and the schools remained on lockdown until the defendant was returned to the jail and the police were able to come up with a plan to safely get the children dismissed from school safely. They had parents come pick up the children and they loaded them into each car, bringing them outside one child at a time until all of the students were picked up. I think it took them until almost 4:30 to get the last child out. I sat at home, near tears almost all day yesterday, just knowing that my girls were scared out of their minds. However, looks like I was the only one in McNabb Land that even knew what was going on. As I was leaving the parking lot after picking up Paisley, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Mom, this was the best day EVER! We had paper all over our windows to keep the sunlight out, a picnic lunch in our room, we got to sit on the floor all day, and we didn't even hafta do NO WORK! We just watched movies ALL DAY!!! I hope we can do all that again tomorrow!"
Oh, I hope not:)
After what has been an incredibly stressful and scary day, I am happy to report that my little chicks are both home from school SAFE and SOUND. School was in lockdown from a little after 8 a.m. until the last bell rang to end the school day. I walked the floor all day, anxiously waiting for instruction from the school on when they would be releasing their students. The students in that school are grades K-2nd. Paisley is in 1st grade. I can't even begin to describe the "worst case scenerios" that invaded my mind today as I waited. I'm so glad that all of the kids are home safely now. When I finally learn all the details I'll try to post about it. Thanks for your prayers:)
I can't give you alot of details, but what I can tell you is this:
Paisley's school is on lockdown. Police are everywhere. Inside and outside the building. The parking lot is surrounded and the school is completely locked down. They have covered every single door and window in the building and the students are locked inside the classrooms. Lunch was taken to the rooms for the students and they have not been permitted to leave their rooms except to travel down the hall as a group to the bathroom. They are asking parents to stay away so that the police can handle their business. Please pray that the police and school officials excercise good judgement and protect our kids. My Paisley is inside that building right now and I am terrified. Pray with me......
Delaney and I have started a new game since school started back after Spring Break. Before Spring Break she was the best little nap taker EVER. This time is what I now refer to as BSB (before spring break.) I loved BSB. It was magical. But not nearly as fun as now. ASB (After Spring Break.) And there's only a hint of sarcasm in that statement. You see, BSB, Laney would practically put herself down for her nap. She would grab a pillow, a blanket, and her sippy cup and just look at me like "hello, yawn, I'm sleepy!" It was cute. It was magical. It was the most peaceful 2.5 hours of my day:) Yep, BSB was nice. But now? Oh, now. Nap time ASB is hilarious. It's fun. I get the pillow, the blanket, and the sippy cup. I put them in her little napping spot and then I put her in her napping spot. Then I return to the chair that I like to sit in. Where I find Delaney. She's sitting there, in my favorite chair, just laughing at me. "No nap!" she says, as she giggles at me.( I didn't even know she could say that. Speech must finally be paying off!) So we do it again. "YES, nap!" I say as I tickle her and lay her back down. Before I even make it back to my chair, she is there, just laughing at me. "No nap!" We do this, back and forth, until I need a nap. I beg and plead. Pretend to cry. But still, I get a giggly "no nap!" from the little traitor. She was my nap taker. The best little nap taker EVER. Not now though. Now, we play the napping game. In the end, I get out the pack 'n play. She gets put in baby jail. (Mean momma!) and I win the game. I love that little traitor. I love nap time. But please , oh please, don't tell her that I enjoy this new game we play:)
Well, almost wordless.
Thank you all for the nice things you said to me after my Easter post. I feel a little better now:)Now for my wordless Wednesday picture: Bobby back at work:)
You know, it's funny how things can change in the blink of an eye; that you can go from laughing one minute to screaming in panic the next. One entire fantastic day, the best day ever, can be ruined in a matter of seconds. At the end of the day, instead of sweet dreams, all that remains is a nightmare. Maybe if I can just get it all out, this guilt I feel will fade.
Our Easter was going to be great. I looked forward to it for weeks. Bought some fabric, sewed some dresses, cried a little, bought some more fabric, sewed more of the same dresses. Easter baskets were selected, then candy, bubbles, 300 little plastic eggs, pinwheels, and 3 little stuffed bunnies. The girls and I spent Saturday making the Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls. WE mixed and stirred, punched and rolled-until MY shoulders ached:) The girls were helping/messing. We had a great time and I knew that the rolls we were making would make a quick and easy breakfast for Easter Sunday. So baking took up my entire Saturday. Baking and filling those 300 little plastic eggs.
We woke up Sunday morning to a beautiful day. The girls proudly wore their "made by mom" dresses as they went to the store with us. We had decided to pick up a few things to throw on the grill instead of heating up the house by using the stove. I promised the girls a treat if they were quiet while we were shopping. The treat they picked is the same one they pick everytime. A 20 ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper and a pack of watermelon flavored gum. So predictable:) We came home and made some lunch (hot dogs on the grill) before having our egg hunt. I don't ever let them hunt eggs first thing in the morning because I want to make sure that they don't have a chance to fill up on candy before lunch. Gives us a chance to let the day warm up too.
We had our egg hunt and the girls had a great time. They were giggling and skipping around. Delaney took her first steps on Easter last year, so this year was really the first time she really could take part in the hunt without alot of help from us. Would you believe she found more eggs than Destiny and Paisley?! She was like a little bunny, hopping from one little plastic egg to the next. You couldn't help but laugh at the excitement. They found all the eggs and then went indoors to "look" at the prizes inside. The day was going to good.
Once indoors, I told the girls they could eat a few pieces of candy, but not all. I gave Laney a sippy cup with juice and told the girls they could drink their Dr. Peppers from earlier. We were laughing and playing. Everything was fine. Until Laney picked up a bottlecap instead of a piece of candy. I don't know why I didn't think to take those lids away before handing them their drinks. Stupid mistake. It was my fault. Delaney was choking and I was screaming. Paisley was the one that told me "sissy ate my lid!" I've seen it on TV a million times. Toddlers swallowing and choking on foreign objects. But not My toddler. Not MY baby. I still see the panic in her eyes. The color changing in her face. I still feel that last scream, starting in the pit of my stomach and welling up in my throat. When I close my eyes I can still see everything like it's happening all over again. I've used CPR on one of my babies, I know the fear of wondering it I remember it well enough to "do it right." But never, did I ever think I'd need to do the heimlich on one of my babies. I'm not "that kind of mother". I watch them like a mama bear, protecting my cubs from danger. I thought. Even now, I'm not sure how long she was choking. Not sure how long it took me to get the bottlecap to come back up. Honestly, I'm still not sure HOW I got her unchoked. But I did. She was limp, but alive. I was hysterical. One little mistake and I almost lost her. I called my doctor, on her cell phone, on Easter Sunday. She said to watch Laney closely and to bring her to the ER if she was acting different. Wanted to know why I hadn't called 911. My answer: I forgot the number.
I held Delaney the rest of the evening. She fell asleep in my arms and I was afraid to put her down. My heart was still lodged in my throat when I carried her to bed last night. I was still telling her how sorry I was when I fell asleep last night. Then the nightmares started. Images flashed in my mind all night last night. Still fresh in my mind this morning. One stupid mistake, and she could have been gone. The guilt eats at me. She's ok. But I am not.
