Easter 2010

You know, it's funny how things can change in the blink of an eye; that you can go from laughing one minute to screaming in panic the next. One entire fantastic day, the best day ever, can be ruined in a matter of seconds. At the end of the day, instead of sweet dreams, all that remains is a nightmare. Maybe if I can just get it all out, this guilt I feel will fade.

Our Easter was going to be great. I looked forward to it for weeks. Bought some fabric, sewed some dresses, cried a little, bought some more fabric, sewed more of the same dresses. Easter baskets were selected, then candy, bubbles, 300 little plastic eggs, pinwheels, and 3 little stuffed bunnies. The girls and I spent Saturday making the Pioneer Woman's cinnamon rolls. WE mixed and stirred, punched and rolled-until MY shoulders ached:) The girls were helping/messing. We had a great time and I knew that the rolls we were making would make a quick and easy breakfast for Easter Sunday. So baking took up my entire Saturday. Baking and filling those 300 little plastic eggs.

We woke up Sunday morning to a beautiful day. The girls proudly wore their "made by mom" dresses as they went to the store with us. We had decided to pick up a few things to throw on the grill instead of heating up the house by using the stove. I promised the girls a treat if they were quiet while we were shopping. The treat they picked is the same one they pick everytime. A 20 ounce bottle of Dr. Pepper and a pack of watermelon flavored gum. So predictable:) We came home and made some lunch (hot dogs on the grill) before having our egg hunt. I don't ever let them hunt eggs first thing in the morning because I want to make sure that they don't have a chance to fill up on candy before lunch. Gives us a chance to let the day warm up too.

We had our egg hunt and the girls had a great time. They were giggling and skipping around. Delaney took her first steps on Easter last year, so this year was really the first time she really could take part in the hunt without alot of help from us. Would you believe she found more eggs than Destiny and Paisley?! She was like a little bunny, hopping from one little plastic egg to the next. You couldn't help but laugh at the excitement. They found all the eggs and then went indoors to "look" at the prizes inside. The day was going to good.

Once indoors, I told the girls they could eat a few pieces of candy, but not all. I gave Laney a sippy cup with juice and told the girls they could drink their Dr. Peppers from earlier. We were laughing and playing. Everything was fine. Until Laney picked up a bottlecap instead of a piece of candy. I don't know why I didn't think to take those lids away before handing them their drinks. Stupid mistake. It was my fault. Delaney was choking and I was screaming. Paisley was the one that told me "sissy ate my lid!" I've seen it on TV a million times. Toddlers swallowing and choking on foreign objects. But not My toddler. Not MY baby. I still see the panic in her eyes. The color changing in her face. I still feel that last scream, starting in the pit of my stomach and welling up in my throat. When I close my eyes I can still see everything like it's happening all over again. I've used CPR on one of my babies, I know the fear of wondering it I remember it well enough to "do it right." But never, did I ever think I'd need to do the heimlich on one of my babies. I'm not "that kind of mother". I watch them like a mama bear, protecting my cubs from danger. I thought. Even now, I'm not sure how long she was choking. Not sure how long it took me to get the bottlecap to come back up. Honestly, I'm still not sure HOW I got her unchoked. But I did. She was limp, but alive. I was hysterical. One little mistake and I almost lost her. I called my doctor, on her cell phone, on Easter Sunday. She said to watch Laney closely and to bring her to the ER if she was acting different. Wanted to know why I hadn't called 911. My answer: I forgot the number.

I held Delaney the rest of the evening. She fell asleep in my arms and I was afraid to put her down. My heart was still lodged in my throat when I carried her to bed last night. I was still telling her how sorry I was when I fell asleep last night. Then the nightmares started. Images flashed in my mind all night last night. Still fresh in my mind this morning. One stupid mistake, and she could have been gone. The guilt eats at me. She's ok. But I am not.