Venting

I've come here to vent. I apologize in advance for this post, it may or may not make any sense.
The last few weeks have been hard. I've been stuck in a black hole of what I can only think to call depression. I've been trying to kick and claw my way out, but I've not really made much headway.
Last week I requested prayers for my family. The reason I did that is because my grandfather was ill and my dad was taking it really hard. I tried to be there for him as much as I could, but that's really hard when I already have too much on my plate. I did my best and was there when it mattered the most.
Friday I got a call from my dad. Pop's (that's what I call my grandfather) blood pressure was dropping. It was like 55/35. Dad was so upset and said that they were going to raise the level on morphine and that after that happened....he would most likely pass within a short time. I hung up the phone and prayed. Then I jumped in my car and drove that hour long drive as fast as I could. I made it when it mattered most. I keep telling myself that. I made it. I walked in the room at the hospital and I could tell that it wasn't going to be long. I had prayed the whole way that he would still be alive when I got there. I just didn't want my daddy to be alone in his grief. I made it when it mattered most. I wasn't expecting to feel so much grief myself. Watching Pop pass was the most peaceful and beautiful thing I've ever witnessed. No more pain, no more suffering. Just peace. His face was alight with a smile as the Lord welcomed him home. Seriously. He smiled as he took his last breaths and I feel blessed to have been there to see it. I also feel like I've been rocked to my core. Pop was a man that was larger than life and it seems strange to wake every morning to realize that he is gone. Those who loved him are at a loss of what to do, how to deal. Then there's all the plans. All the arrangements that have to be made. Where do we start. How can we afford it? His insurance covered alot, but there's still alot that insurance wouldn't pay for. His policy wasn't big enough. I can't tell you how many tears have been cried since we realized that we can't afford to pay it. This is where the venting comes in. I'm angry. Angry at circumstance I guess you could say. Angry that we have to worry about money while feeling this ocean of grief. We've cut back on everything we can thing to cut back on. We cut Pop's hair and shaved his face ourselves. Saved a little bit of money there. There will be no flowers at his service. That makes me sad, but we are a small family and we just couldn't afford it. The arrangement of flowers atop a casket at a funeral costs around $200. Flowers are an expense that we just can not afford. It makes me sad. I've never been to a funeral that didn't have flowers. We did a basic obituary and that was over $100. I never realized that they charge for stuff like that. His suit was $7 at the salvation army store. Pop wouldn't have cared. We can't afford music. We can't afford music?! Did you know they charge for that? We couldn't even pay for the bereavement wreath. We can't afford much of anything. I know it's not about the extras, but I'm not really worried about the extras. Not having the extras makes me sad, but that's okay. I'd be sad no matter what. The thing is, we can't bury him until we've come up with the money to pay for the casket and the burial plot. They won't even break ground on the plot until we've paid. I just don't know what we're going to do. He wanted to be buried close to grandma and my uncle. How are we going to be able to honor his wishes? It just makes me sad.