I Live In Fear....

I never imagined that my life would turn out that way. I never saw myself as someone that would live in constant fear of ANYTHING. I try to think of myself as secure in who I am. A real take-charge kind of wife and mother. I know what I want and I make it happen (you know, if it's possible to make it happen!) instead of waiting around for someone else to do it for me. Had you asked me 2 years ago what I was afraid of I would have given you some naive answer like "bees, spiders, heights....usual stuff". If you asked me today what I am afraid of the answer would be alot different. I would tell you that I live in fear. I wake up with fear clutching my heart and I go to bed at night with so much fear inside me that I can feel it suffocating me. I wallow in it until it almost controls I fear things that I never even thought about or imagined 2 years ago.

It shames me to know that I have let fear take such a firm grip on me when I claim to have put my trust and faith in God. Only God knows my heart, my innermost thoughts and feelings. I pray that He will help me work through those fears and gift me with peace in the place of all the fear. But first I have to let those fears go....and I haven't really learned to do that yet.

How do I stop being afraid everytime Destiny isn't acting like Destiny. How do I stop that little thought from nudging it's way into my mind everytime she seems confused or complains of feeling dizzy? How do I stop myself from remembering that it's the same way she feels before she has a seizure or unexplainable fainting spell? How do I stop that panic I feel when Paisley starts wheezing and coughing....when her fever spikes....when she looks a little pale....when all she wants to do is sleep....when a call comes in and I see the a school number listed on the caller ID? What about when Delaney is sleeping? How do I stop sitting up half the night with my hand on her chest, feeling her heart beat, watching her chest rise and fall? How do I stop worrying or wondering when her heart will beat irregular? When will she talk? When will she walk without tripping and falling? When will all that therapy finally kick in and help her to enjoy touching and being touched? Will she ever enjoy touching and being touched? When will Bobby conquer Chiari? Will he ever? Will they ever find a cure? Will he have vertigo today when he wakes up? Will he have another one of those headaches that are so bad that I can't do anything but cry with him? Will he be okay today? Why is he having trouble breathing? He had trouble breathing when he was diagnosed. Why is he having all these symptoms? Why didn't his surgery fix all this? Does he need another surgery? Is Chiair coming back? Did it ever really go away? Does it ever really go away? Will it eventually kill him? Am I strong enough to handle everything? How can I take care of them? How can I help them? And the more selfish thought....what about me? When's it my turn to be taken care of? So many thoughts and fears. How do I make it stop?