I Carry You

I've been thinking alot about our little angel in Heaven today. Every day really. Because there hasn't been a day go by that I don't think about our angel. I miss him in new, different, indescribable ways. I wonder what he might look like now. Would he have my personality?
What color hair? What would it feel like to tuck him in bed at night? Would he snuggle against me like Delaney or just drift off to sleep alone like Paisley always has? I feel like a traitor when I have these thoughts. A traitor to Delaney. If things had gone differently....Delaney would not be here. And I am so very grateful that Delaney is here. But that thought makes me so sad. Does being glad that Delaney is here mean that I am glad that he is not here? Because I AM NOT glad that I can't hold him or kiss him or touch his sweet cheek. In a perfect world, Delaney is here and he is here and we are a family with 4 children at home. In a perfect world, we are not a family with 3 children at home with us and 1 little angel at home in Heaven.

So, as I sat here today, with a heavy heart, I wrote what was in my heart- for him, our angel that made his way to Heaven on January 27, 2007. Mommy loves you and I can't wait to see you and hold you again.


I CARRY YOU
I carry your love with me.
I carry it in my heart.
in my memories-
like time frozen.

I remember.
every detail of your love
and my love for you-
I carry it with me.

I cry for you.
silent tears,
at night
before slumber.

I dream of you,
when my tears have dried.
I hold you close-
in my arms.
in my heart.
in my mind!

I carry your love with me.
through the days
and the nights.
so long!
so lonely!

I wait for it-
the time,
passing slowly,
barely moving,
in my mind-
a countdown.

I pray for you,
or maybe me-
I'm not sure.
I carry you with me.

I wish for you.
all the things I never gave you.
the time we lost
without you.
But I carried you
and will carry you
in my heart
forever.
--Kaleena-- January 2009