My Hate-filled Post

We have spent the last 2 days at the hospital with Delaney. She has colitis and has been very sick. The fever was a symptom of infection and I feel like I "dropped the ball" this time. I should have known or at least suspected that something was up. She is bloated and having really horrible stomach cramps. We can not put off her surgery anymore. We have to do something to fix these tummy problems soon. She is getting treatment for the colitis now, and will have her surgery on Wednesday October 7th. No more postponements. I feel so bad that she's so sick. I'm her momma and I'm supposed to know that she's getting sick. I feel like I failed her this time. I've been spending the last few days cuddling and comforting her as best as a can. I just keep telling her how sorry I am. She's gone to having bloody stool that really freaks me out. Her stool is like water. Sorry if that's too much info! I really am just at a loss right now. I feel so bad and am so very worried about my little Laneybug. I hate hirschsprung's disease and I hate that she has had to live with it for this long. I hate colitis and the fact that it keeps making her sick. I hate hospitals and hospital food and being away from my girls. I hate feeling helpless and useless. I hate watching them run all these tests on her and I hate dreading the results of all those tastes. I love my girl more than anything but I hate all this illness. I am so tired of giving meds and at the same time so thankful that my girl is still here on this side of heaven for me to give those meds to. I am tired of being tired and tired of feeling this way. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everything. I just want this all to pass quickly and I just want to get through this tunnel and come out at the end with a healthy Laney. I want things to be better for her-for all of us. I want to be able to go to events at the big girls' schools instead of having to explain to them that "sissy has another doctor's appointment that same day!" Yep, I hate everything. I think that just about sums it up.