It's Been A Few Days

It's been a few days since I posted. I've sat down with my laptop several times with so much to say, but I just couldn't seem to formulate a sentence of anything worth reading. I've been so sad lately. Feelings have been building up in my heart for such a long time and I've felt like I'm ready to explode. I've tried to find a positive in all this drama that is my life, and to be honest, I'm still working on that. Finding a happy place is hard when you have so much negative to dwell on. Forgive me if I ramble a bit.

♥♥♥♥My car.
The bank came Wednesday and took my car. I knew this was coming so it was not a surprise. I thought I was prepared. I cancelled my car insurance last week and stopped driving it. I knew they'd take it soon and I didn't want to wait until the last minute to remove my personal belongings. We started looking around for another car and thought we had actually found a prospect, but so far that's not working out as we hoped it would. I thought I was prepared. But I was wrong. They pulled up in the drive way and took my car. Watching them load it onto the truck was devastating for me. I was NEVER late on a payment! I NEVER missed a payment. I feel like I've been cheated. I started crying the second the tow truck pulled in and cried all night that night and most of the day the next day. I feel so awful.

♥♥♥♥My Laneybug.
She's been so cranky lately. She usually such a happy baby. It hurts me to see her feeling bad. The GI doctor at TCT Children's wants us to allow her tummy troubles to worsen. He says that sometimes they have to be symptomatic and the intestines have to be inflamed before they can go in the and whip this thing. He's a fantastic doctor and I trust him. He's great with Laney and has a good bedside manner. It's just the idea of letting her get sicker doesn't sit well for me. It was so agonizing to watch her waste away in the hospital when she first started showing signs of Hirschsprung's Disease. I was so afraid that we were going to lose her and I NEVER want to visit those thoughts again. I don't want to see her weak or lethargic. I don't want her to suffer in any way. What happens if she gets sick and the treatment doesn't work? What do we do then? I've been praying about all this and will continue to pray over this until I find my way.

♥♥♥♥My Big Girls.
School started today. They had to go for 2 hours just to meet the teachers. I wanted to keep Paisley home with me and just homeschooling her. As I mentioned in a previous post, I just don't feel good about her teacher. I prayed about it and decided to give school a chance. I'll send her for awhile and see what she learns and how she handles it. If things don't go well then I'll pull her out.
Destiny is having so much anxiety over going to school. She's in third grade this year and in a new school. In the town we live the schools are separate. We have Primary(k-2nd), Intermediate(3rd-5th), Middle(6th-8th), and High school. She's in intermediate now and scared. We were awake with her until after 2 this morning. She was crying and saying that she didn't want to go to school. She kept saying her tummy hurt and acting like she was going to throw up. She eventually had a full blown panic attack. Her little body was just shaking so hard! I'm shocked she didn't faint. She eventually cried herself to sleep. I tried to tell her that today was just a teacher day and she didn't have to stay at school, but it didn't make her feel any better. I hope that this year goes better for her than the past few school years have. I want her to like school and feel safe while she's there.
♥♥♥♥
My girls-all three of them-are the most important part of my life. I want them to be happy, healthy, and feel incredibly loved. I worry that I don't give them enough of myself. I want so much more for them than what I had growing up. I want to lead them by example.I pray that God will help me find peace of mind in all that I've been so worried about.

♥♥♥♥Delaney was getting into the bed last night. She has this teddy bear she carries around by the foot. We call him baby B-Bob. She found him and after picking him up, she threw him back down on the floor. I told her not to throw B-Bob down it will hurt him. I said "oh, poor B-Bob. Oh, he's crying!" She quickly picked him up, gave him a hug and was patting his back. Then she took him and laid him on the bed, covered him up with her blanket, and gave him a kiss. I stood and watched as she tucked him in and took her paci and lovingly tried to get her bear to take it. Then she kissed him one more time and laid down beside him to sleep. I was almost moved to tears at the all too familiar bedtime ritual. This is the ritual I share with her. I said a prayer of thanks to God for allowing me to see that moment, for allowing me to see the love she has for her "baby B-Bob." It's a wonderful feeling to know that she's learning what it means to love and how to display that love. It's an even better feeling to know that she's learning that from ME.