Back to why I'm blue. I've had this horrible insomnia for a week now and it just won't leave me alone. I tend to get that way when I'm stressed. Lately, stress just seems to cling to me. I'm tired. I'm tired AND spent up with exhaustion. There illness in my home that just won't retire. My Paisley is recovering from pneumonia and my other 2 girls are coughing like crazy, probably trying to get sick too. But that's not really why I'm so tired. That's just the icing on the cake. My husband is sick again. I don't know if I can really call it "sick again" since this disease doesn't ever go away. The fear doesn't ever go away. It's always there, hiding in the shadows, waiting to reach out and grab us again. His Chiari and Syringomyelia symptoms have a tight grip on him these days. He's having headaches that make him cry, vertigo that keeps him from standing or walking unassisted, and so much pressure in his head and neck that the tingling/numbness has returned. Looks like his syrinx (pocket-like cavity of fluid) is the cause of the majority of his symptoms. The tinnitus (ringing ears) is crazy because he tries to talk over the noise and then he's just yelling all the time. What really scares me is the fainting. He just drops...alot. His muscles are really weak (atrophy? I think that's what the neuro calls it?) and he's having problems moving around on his own. Sometimes he does fine, but then sometimes I have to practically carry him around. He's heavy and he's cranky and I'm just tired. Tired of being the one that always has to be in charge, tired of being the one who always has to clean up the messes and tired of being the one that sits up at night worried about what's going to go wrong tomorrow. I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help how I feel. I'm tired and I want to know when I'm going to get some "me" time that doesn't involve taking care of someone else. How did my life become this?
Hey girl... I understand how you are feeling! not the same situations, but I am single mom of 2 little girls. I have them BY MYSELF ALWAYS. Both of my kids have been sick for 2 months straight almost.. between strep and sinus infections and RSV and stomach viruses I have had alot of long nights lately and little sleep.
ReplyDeleteI have learned - Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you need a step back.. find SOMEONE.. anyone at all and say "i need 2 hours to myself.. can someone help me make that happen?" It's a great stress relief... even if it's just time for a walk outside. Fresh air.
The job of a mother is never done.. :)
Keep your head up. :) Don't give up. take a step back for a few minutes when you need it. Know that there are others out there having sleepless nights as well and that are just as frustrated. Will be saying a prayer. Hope your week gets much better!!
Oh Kaleena, looks like my week and my worries pale in comparison to yours. This week I have had this scripture pop into my head but I can't remember the reference (sorry) "Do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough trouble of its own." and "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am near."
ReplyDeleteI can see how this has definitely taken a toll on you, it would on most people. And don't think you shouldn't blog about it, that's how we know how to lift you up.
Have you ever seen the movie Facing the Giants. If you haven't I highly recommend it! The core theme to the movie is will you praise Him in the tough times, when you don't know which way is up, when it seems the "giants" just have had too many laughs at your expense. I am learning just that, to take a few moments just to praise Him and it seems like a calm just comes over me.
You are in HIS hands and so is everyone else in your family. Trust my friend, trust.
You are in my prayers!
Ruth
Kaleena....this IS your blog and I'm glad you reclaimed it. If this is a place where you can come and LET IT ALL OUT then go for it. You have to have an outlet. You DO have a heavy load and so does your DH. Who can imagine all your face except God Himself? Use your blog to vent, to cry, to praise, and in its turn, to laugh. Why should you be constrained here? And knowing others are out there who do read and who stop in may ease your feeling of isolation. May God lift your burdens and heal your household.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
Sounds like you need a break of some kind. You know, just some time to yourself. Something that is called Respite care or something like that. People who can come in and help you care for your family while you take a break so that you can take a nap or just have a few quiet moments to yourself. I am not sure who you can call for that kind of help and I wish I knew. I am praying that the Lord gives you the strength and the rest you so desperately need.
ReplyDelete~Linnea
It is time for your inlaws to step in and help with your situation. You are living among relatives who should see that you need help - ask for it and keep asking until they see that your need for support is real. I pray you have the strength to continue being the good wife to your husband and supportive mommy to your girls. They need your conforting ways right now.
ReplyDeleteKaleena...you deserve a good vent!!!! And I'm here for you!!!! Want a shoulder to cry on while you're at it??? Praying daily for you, my dear friend!!!! Life is so tough...and you are simply a wonderful, amazing, brave, strong and authentic lady!!! I'm honored to know you!!! Love you~Janine XO
ReplyDeleteHey girl, wish I lived closer so that I could assist you with the girls care for a day, and perhaps give you a tiney tiny me time.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about being overwelmed.
I also know what it feels like to have tinnitus so bad that you feel like your head is going to explode, and you feel like you are swimming in the ringing of your ears.
Some days are worse then others. And when I can cut out all my caffine, salt, and stress, it helps that they don't ring so much.
Stress??? Well if that would make you fat, I am sure YOU AND I WOULD Both be a bit heavier.
Turn that stress over to God, and rest assured there are a lot of your blogger friends out here praying for you.
Oh, yes, Stressed spell it backward spells desserts.... Less have some desserts and forget about our stress for the moment.
We LOVE YOU!
You are anything BUT selfish. I can see why you're tired and just plain exhausted. It's hard to be the caretaker of everyone and then you have nothing left for yourself. It'd be nice if you could just get away even for a couple hours...just to be alone with your thoughts and rejuvenate yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd for those people who sit in judgement and leave rude comments on your blog, they have no idea what your life is like. I'm glad you were able to vent....you need support and encouragement, not people bringing you down.
I do hope things get better...I hope the girls recover soon and I hope you get a much needed and much deserved break soon.
I'm so sorry that I have not commented on your posts. I have been reading, but haven't had the time to wait for my computer to download your comment page. (my dial up is sooooo slow)
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to feel bad about how you feel, and you are not being selfish for feeling that way. I have had some of the same feelings as you for many things, and I totally understand about all of the worry. It takes all that you have and the feeling of helplessness is so intense! A wise woman I knew used to say, " If you're going to pray, why worry, and if you're going to worry, why pray?" I had to tell my self that with so many "problems." So please try and remember that. It can bring comfort, and it is a gentle reminder that we don't have any control over what happens, only God does.
Love to you,
Jenny
Thank you for venting.
ReplyDeleteI hope there are people who can come help you and let you have a little break. And I also hope that you will be able to relax and not worry about tomorrow and sleep. Remember that worrying about tomorrow isn't going to solve anything, sweety.
I've missed you while I've been away